Tuesday, July 18, 2006

Email Emotion Protocol

I hate email sometimes because you cannot convey any proper emotions. I am forever going to start using the following Email Emotion Protocol or EEP for short:

[Happy Tone] This indicates that the person emailing is happy or in a "good mood". This person might be "joshing you" or even "goofing around". "Sarcasm" can be used in this tone, but if it is too thick the [Sarcastic Tone] format should be used to prevent confusion or "unwanted stress".

[Sarcastic Tone] When you mean opposite of what you say. For example. I might say, "you are very smart if you have to read this to figure out what a 'sarcastic tone' is". You get the picked. If you don't you are very "smart".

[Angry Tone] Usually if a person is really mad they will use this tone. Also the "ALL CAPS" method is very popular - though widely misused. If you ever receive an email in "ALL CAPS", but the "angry tone" is not prefaced you are allowed to use the following tone on the list.

[I'm talking down to you now Tone] aka [I'm gonna knock you out Tone] aka [If smurfs are blue, what color will you turn when I choke you? Tone] If these tones are invoked be glad you are not in arm's length of this person. Fire might come out of your monitor when you open this email. Resist the urge to use the next tone as a result.

[Retaliation Tone] If you misunderstand someone, or you fully understand them you might be lead to swing back at them with full force. Never, ever do your dirty work via computer. That's what the USPS is for.

[Pick your reply carefully Tone] This is often referred to as the "woman" tone or "that time of the month tone". When men receive "I don't care" or "do whatever you want" or "does this make me look fat?" by email it is the same as when you hear it person. Do one of two things. 1). Break your computer and say the dog ate it so you couldn't reply. 2). Reply and spend the next week cleaning up the mess from the fall-out of Hurricane Female. Though a new computer may cost more initially, therapy can get expensive too.

[Loving Tone] Men often have to send this type after the above tone. [I want something Tone] Similar to the above, but used cleverly (sometimes) to get what you want. Usually doesn't work for men.

[Please stop emailing me Tone] Gets rid of unwanted "e-pals" and helps trim down your inbox size - theoretically. Often these are people who send you mind numbing email forwards about missing children who aren't missing, money for free, "I'm not your friend if you don't send this back" emails, and horrible horrible "email this to all of your friends and you will see Frankie Munez do the macarena". These people are not your friends. If you a) never talk to them in person or by phone, b) never get actual email from them, or c) want to kill them...they are not your friends.

[I learned to type yesterday Tone] this is used by people who tend to write run-on sentences with no punctuation and spleling errors galore they would probably use this tone but the cant figure out where the brackets are on their keyboard they also like to use ridiculous font colors and sizes.

That's all for now!

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